Two Polish guys went away on their annual hunting expedition, and
by accident one was shot by the other. His worried companion got
him out of the deep woods, into the car, and off to the nearest
hospital.

"Well, Doc," he inquired anxiously, "is he going to make it?" 

"It's tough," said the doctor. "He'd have a better chance if you
hadn't gutted him first."

So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite,
he was really having a difficult time. The kite was
swinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe as
stable, so his wife sticks her head out the door and
says, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." 

Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last night
you told me to go fly a kite!" 

                             State of Arkansas
                                      
                           Residency Application
     
   
   Name: ________________  (_) Billy-Bob
             (last)        (_) Billy-Joe
                           (_) Billy-Ray
                           (_) Billy-Sue
                           (_) Billy-Mae
                           (_) Billy-Jack
                           (Check appropriate box)

   Age: ____
   Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
   Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

   Occupation:
   (_) Farmer
   (_) Mechanic
   (_) Hair Dresser
   (_) Un-employed

   Spouse's Name: 

   Relationship with spouse:
   (_) Sister
   (_) Brother
   (_) Aunt
   (_) Uncle
   (_) Cousin
   (_) Mother
   (_) Father
   (_) Son
   (_) Daughter
   (_) Pet

   Number of children living in household: ___

   Number that are yours: ___

   Mother's Name: 

   Father's Name:  (If not sure, leave blank)

   Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

   Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

   ___ Total number of vehicles you own
   ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
   ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
   ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
   ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

   Firearms you own and where you keep them:
   ____ truck
   ____ bedroom
   ____ bathroom
   ____ kitchen
   ____ shed

   Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

   Do you have a gun rack?
   (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:



   Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
   (_) The National Enquirer
   (_) The Globe
   (_) TV Guide
   (_) Soap Opera Digest
   (_) Rifle and Shotgun

   ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
   ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

   How often do you bathe:
   (_)Weekly
   (_)Monthly
   (_)Not Applicable

   Color of teeth:
   (_)Yellow
   (_)Brownish-Yellow
   (_)Brown
   (_)Black
   (_)N/A

   Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
   (_)Red-Man

   How far is your home from a paved road?
   (_)1 mile
   (_)2 miles
   (_)don't know
  

All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a 
young Australian couple. Waiting for things to get started, they were 
somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off,
sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry. "The weddin's off," he 
shouted, "Everybody bugger off!" Dismayed and muttering, the guests 
repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for 
free beer. One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and 
approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Someone stole a keg of 
beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!", exclaimed the father. The 
guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the 
other farmers. A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All 
right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!" As the farmers filed 
back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, 
and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg 
of beer."

Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a
bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" 
Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"
First man, "Want to come camping?"