Two prisoners were having a chat.
The first one said. "I've go two tickets for the warden's ball, Do you 
want to buy one?"
"No thanks, mate," said the second guy. "I can't dance."
"It's not a dance, mate," said the first prisoner. "It's a raffle!"

How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?

When you find a string in your bloody mary.

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, 
"Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear 
his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." 
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards." 

Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother
thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin. 

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store.  The man said 
to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I 
have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong.  It was my 
old man."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll 
sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice 
in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too.  I therefore sentence you both 
to 90 days in jail."