Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how
   tough their fathers were.
   
   "My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
   
   "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick
   that!" Tommy said.
   
   "That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass
   in 10 years... so lick that!"
   

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex? 

     Mace... 

What's pink and slowly turns red?

A baby chewing a razor blade.

A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she 
replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the 
difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.