An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office. The man tells the
   doctor, "Doctor, we want
   to have a baby." The doctor replies,"At your age I don't think it's
   possible, but I'll give
   you a jar, come back in a few days with a sperm sample." So the couple
   comes back a few
   days later.They give the doctor an empty jar. The doctor says,"I was
   afraid of this." The
   old man says,"No, it's not what you think. I tried it with my left
   hand. I tried it with my
   right hand. She tried it with her left hand. She tried it with her
   right hand. She tried it with
   her teeth in. She tried it with her teeth out. But we couldn't get the
   lid off the jar."
   

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and
famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading:
"George and the Dragon."
     He knocked.
     The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.
     "Could ye spare some victuals?"
     The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
     "Could I have a pint of ale?"
     "No!" she shouted.
     "Could I at least use your privvy?"
     "No!" she shouted again.
     The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
     "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
     "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees 
a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.  He says, 
"What the hell is that all about?"

The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all 
his feathers got  singed off, so the wife made him some 
clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than 
watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his 
pants down with the other."

    A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
   two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
   the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
   the other.
   "So what's going on here?" he asks.
   The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
   trying to make him vomit."
   The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
   THROAT!"
   The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an
overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing
their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman
bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and
she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian
responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and
told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked,
"And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say
to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."