Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That 
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 
point buck. "Where's George?" one of the men asked, noticing 
that Sam had returned alone.

"He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left 
him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him."

   IBM Memo about Peripheral Replacement
   This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all
   IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest
   of us may find it rather funny.
   Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) Mouse
   balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate
   or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
   Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
   balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
   Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
   underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
   foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon
   manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
   pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off
   method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However,
   excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of
   ball replacement, the mouse maybe used immediately.
   It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
   maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer
   missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
   necessary items.

This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.

guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"
God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls soft?"
God: "So you'll like them."

guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"
God: "So they'll like you."

One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better
see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It
only costs $10.00." 
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. It said: 

You have tennis elbow. 
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete
began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and
deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis: 

Your water is hard,
get a softener.
 
Your dog has worms, 
get him shots.
 
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
 
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
 
And if you don't stop jerking off, 
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."