How does a women hold her liquor?

By the ears.

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because men fake foreplay.

   You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
   with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

A Short History of Medicine



I have an earache...

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.

The Speed of Time by Age



 0-9  Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going
      to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it
      Christmas yet?"

10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks
      actually move backwards just before the bell rings.

20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet
      paychecks seem further and further apart.

30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone
      and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most
      common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"

40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he
      might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he
      said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be
      slowing down?

60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?

70 +  Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like
      they're over in a couple weeks.