A lady was in a hardware store looking at a 
fishing poles. She asked the store manager how 
much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the 
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the 
ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.' 
She bent down and let a big fart that everyone 
heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she 
picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That 
will be 20.00' 
'But you said 10.00' 
'10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch"
have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.
After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with
flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain
to follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,
which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married too
young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)
arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear. 

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her 
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She 
replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will 
childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy 
to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!" 

New scientific theories

GRAND PRIZE WINNER:  When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat.  When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.

Proctologists



      Of all the professions we fear, one stands out.  No, it's not
 "mortician;" by then it's too late.  This is a word that makes a
 certain part of our anatomy pucker in anticipation.  Yes, the word is
 "proctologist;" the dreaded p-word!  The mere mention of the word
 strikes terror deep inside most of us.  9 1/2 of every 10 adults
 would prefer a root canal over a visit to Dr. Finger.  (Source: I
 Made It Up Survey)  The other half is into that sort of thing.

   Proctologist; from the Greek meaning "pain in the ass."  Did you
 ever wonder who was the first proctologist?  My research shows it was
 Dr. Ben Dover, who was fed up with mainstream medicine and wanted to
 boldly go where no one had gone before, "I think I'll devote my life
 to making people as uncomfortable as possible... since dentistry is
 taken, I'll start at the other end."

    Have you ever gone to a party and been introduced to a doctor.
 After a hardy handshake, you discover he's a proctologist. Even wash-
 ing your hands 6 times, you still find yourself only eating with your
 left hand.  He is the one doctor you never ask for free advice, "Doc,
 I've got this thing right here, can you take a look at it?  But he's
 one person who's seen more assholes than you'd find at a political
 convention.

    Throughout the ages, proctologists have been the butt of many
 jokes; butt I would not stoop to that level here.  I have given a
 considerable number of minutes to formulating ideas to improve
 people's concept of these doctors of the down under.

 o In order for a proctologist to receive their medical certifica-
   tion, their hand must fit in a size one glove, and they must have
   their fingernails removed.
 o The proctologist's genitals shall literally be placed in the hands
   of the patient. At the first sign of discomfort, the patient may
   exert an equal pressure producing a similar discomfort.
 o Proctologist's advertising shall NOT include phrases like:
     "Let our fingers do the walking."
     "We'll bend over backwards for you."
     "Please, take my seat."
     "We give 'Moon over Miami' a hole new meaning."
     "It looks like the End."
o Doctors will not be allowed to use wise cracks or ice breakers
   like:
      "I can't place my finger on it, butt you look familiar."
      "Don't have a seat, I'll be right with you."
      "Quick, nurse! Get the camera! They'll never believe THIS one!"
      "Yes, I see a family resemblance."
      "Hmmmm, looks like you're a quart low."
      "The first three feet might be a bit uncomfortable; after that..."
      "Out of K-Y Jelly?  Oh well, let's do a dry run."
      "I'm putting you on a low-bean diet."
      "Nurse, give me a number 2 sandpaper glove."
      "How long have you had this crack in your butt?"
      "I see you had pizza last night."
      "When was the last time you had a lub and oil change?"
      "Ah, you must be gay."
      "Nurse, come here. Ya want to feel something really weird?"
      "Ooops, I think I lost my  watch."
      "I've never seen stalagmites growing in one before!!"
      "If you think that was a pain in the ass, wait till you get my  bill."
      "Gee, I hope I can get this out."
      "When was the last time you had your barnacles scraped?"
      "Nurse! Who let this asshole in my office?"

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu