Not far from me we have a friend who raises Brahma Bulls. I 
asked how he got them to breed so well, since he has a nice 
herd. He said that he gave the bulls potency pills and I asked 
what the pills were made of. 

He said "Damned if I know, but they taste a little like a saltine."

Some years back my live-in girlfriend (and now wife) came 
home while I was napping on the living room couch.  I was still 
half asleep when she leaned over me to try and get a kiss.  I 
wanted to say "don't get your hopes up" but then thought 
maybe "don't jump the gun" would be better.  In my half-awake 
state it came out "Don't get your guns up."

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of 
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running 
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably 
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was 
Ms. Robertson's son.