"What's another word for thesaurus?" 

Steven Wright. 

"Whip me! Beat me! Make me light and fluffy!"
                        -- Ben Salmon

"I can get to Rome, but I can't get to Elvis..."
                        -- me, in a support call

"...This newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and 
women lay better..."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson) - "The surest sign that
           intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that
           it has never tried to contact us."