Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses some unexpected problems. But
   when I came upon a friend of mine in a bar the night after his
   wedding, I had ask exactly what he was doing there instead of with his
   new bride.
   
   "Well, you see, this morning when I got up," he said, "I was barely
   awake from a wonderful night of love-making. More out of habit than
   anything else, I put a fifty dollar bill on the dresser."
   
   I told him not to worry about it, that his new wife probably wouldn't
   even think anything of it; that he could always say he left her some
   spending money.
   
   "No no !" he half wailed/half said, "You don't understand. She was
   half asleep too and gave me $30 change."

Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifer
takes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her head
stuck.  The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to the
other:
"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and 
starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When 
he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants 
some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs 
down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.

if at first you dont succeed...

buy her another drink 

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed
with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of
cigarettes. 
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" 
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the
wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." 
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!" 

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?

"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."