How to be a Good Wife

Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook


Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a 
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you 
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. 
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good 
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be 
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in 
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of 
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. 
His boring day may need a life.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of 
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school 
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. 
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, 
and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's 
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if 
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he 
would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise 
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the 
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile 
and be glad to see him.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't 
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with 
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. 
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in 
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his 
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, 
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the 
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to 
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to 
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home 
and relax.

Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where 
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear
tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car
goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug
nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. 

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when
he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the
inmates has been watching the whole thing. 

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other
three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage
or something." 

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes
the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident.
Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was
pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" 

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not
because I'm stupid."

   I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different
   cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own
   computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and
   Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their
   marriage together.

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife,
"Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Maude."
"But why?" Maude asks.
"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a
robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to
the bartender,
"This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" 

The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" 
The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" 
The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! 
I'll do whatever you say!" 
The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and 
says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!" 
"Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" 
The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited,
he drops the gun. 
The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back
to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends
might walk in!"