A boy and girl octopus out on a date walked down the street arm in arm in 
arm in arm...

   Stolen Car
   A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
   hand. A cop on the
   beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh!
   Sssshomebody ssshtole
   my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last
   time you saw it?"
   "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if
   a bit too literally. About
   this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being
   exhibited for all the
   world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are
   exposing yourself?"
   The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH
   GOD . . . they
   got my girlfriend too!!!"
   

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy.  "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a 
problem."
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard.  None of the pieces fit 
together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.  "Oh thanks for 
coming Paddy."  He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw 
on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake 
Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club 
when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the 
deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild 
buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, 
"Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste 
butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly 
ill and die."
Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. 
Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, 
"That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost 
hit the pussy willows."

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites
off my roosters feet, what do you have? 

    Two feet of my cock in your ass.