Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
                      Everyone would be afraid to lick it. 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to
support you.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when 
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that 
are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive 
intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it 
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular 
consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making 
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day 
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter 
words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All
evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that." 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
   strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The
   bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
   and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop
   of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
   (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
   One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
   polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
   the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
   grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
   remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned
   to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
   drops fell into the glass.
   As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the
   little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
   weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."