A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to Little Johnny . So she 
said , "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you 
reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants." said the Little Johnny.

   A woman walks into a hardware store and says "I want to buy a hinge."
   The clerk says "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
   The woman says, "No, but I'll blow you for the toaster."
   

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over
by the cops.  The cop asked the man for his name and the
guy replied, "Earl."

"You got a last name, Earl?"

"Nope.  It's a long story, Officer."

"I got time."

Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as
Earl Doo-Daa.  I was going to school to become a doctor, and
I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.  I got bored just
being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and 
became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.  After a little more time I 
fooled around with this girl and got VD.  So I was known as
Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.  When the medical board
found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known
as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD.  The dentistry board also found
out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl 
Doo-Dah with VD.  Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so
I'm now just Earl."

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the
 doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the
 first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor
 replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
 something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it
 again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her
 deafness".

 Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He
 starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping
 some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
 He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet
 closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about
 an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

 She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to
be screwed for?