Tombstone Epitaph In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

   A farmer wants to get his two female pigs pregnant but he can't afford
   the stud service so he goes to the Vet.
   
   Farmer- " Hey doc I've got these two pigs I want to breed but I can't
   afford to stud 'em, is there anything cheaper?"
   
   Vet- " Well there's artificial insemination - Blah Blah Blah " He goes
   on to describe some pretty expensive procedures all of which are out
   of the farmer's price range.
   
   Farmer- " No none of that stuff will do, Its too expensive, anything
   else?"
   
   Vet- " Well, not many people know this but human DNA is close enough
   to pig DNA to produce offspring. Here's what you do - take your pigs
   out at night, load them in your pick-up, take them out to the fields
   and have sex with them. No one will know what you're up to and you'll
   get them pregnant."
   
   Farmer- " How will I know they're pregnant?"
   
   Vet- " If they're pregnant, they'll be lying in the shade the next
   day."
   
   So the farmer follows the advice and that night he struggles to put
   the pigs in the truck, drives out, porks them, and drives back later
   that night. The next day the pigs are just standing around. So the
   next night he does it all over again only he porks each one twice and
   drives back even more tired. Next day - nothing , they're just walking
   around. So he goes out again, porks them three times each and comes
   back in more worn out than ever. This goes on for the rest of the week
   and by Saturday the farmer is too tired to get out of bed so he asks
   his wife to get up and look outside at the pigs.
   
   Farmer- " What are the pigs doing dear?"
   
   Wife- " I don't know, one of them is jumping up and down in the back
   of the truck and the other is blowing the horn."
   

Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?

3 dollars a year for a million years.

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His 
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as 
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met 
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and 
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we 
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why 
are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had 
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking 
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How 
come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 
times a day for four days and not look like this."

Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche
and a porcupine? 

    - A porcupine has pricks on the outside!