This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm 
needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't 
read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. 
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't 
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." 
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"
 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started 
back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted 
to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound 
intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The 
first man approached him and said,
"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this 
demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For 
whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in 
that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why 
did you die?" 

                          Democrats V. Republicans
                                      
                         What it all boils down to
     
   
ISSUE           | DEMOCRATS             | REPUBLICANS
-------------------------------------------------------------------
criminals       | Give them a second    | Give them the swift
                | chance                | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the poor        | Give them some food   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
endangered      | give them protection  | Give them the swift
species         |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
dictators       | give them a way out   | Give them the swift
                |                       | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the uninsured   | Give them some        | Given them the swift
                | health care           | sword of death
-------------------------------------------------------------------
the cost        | $9,000,000,000,       | $29.95
                |    000,000,000        | (cost of one sword)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
  

   Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
   should he see, but his
   old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris
   looked so down and
   dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say,
   Chris, how ya
   doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had
   looked sad before, at
   the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came
   to his eye.
   "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't
   sell a tractor these days
   to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and
   soon, or else I'll lose that
   dealership for good."
   "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you
   got it bad, I got it
   worse. Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other
   morning to milk
   Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no
   sooner did I sit
   down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a
   slappin' me with her tail.
   After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over
   the rafters, and tied ol'
   Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work." "I didn't even
   get two squirts into the
   bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy,
   did that upset
   me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the
   side of the milking stall,
   and get a started trying to milk her again." "Well by this time,
   Bessy's about livid, and she
   doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other
   hind leg. I wasn't about
   to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and
   tied up Bessy's left leg
   to the other side of the stall." Just then John paused to take a sip
   his beer.
   Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
   "Well, did you finally
   get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...
   If you can convince my
   wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
   ya....!"
   

What food best describes a man? 

     Jerky