An Unusual Ailment
   
   A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
   man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't
   believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
   A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and
   wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe
   that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes
   yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
   The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
   "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis
   from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are
   you?"
   The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
   very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The
   woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The
   man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

What does a blond and a turtle have in common?

When they lay on their backs they're screwed!

   An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
   
   u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
   have a bit of a problem with your husband."
   
   wife.. "What's wrong?"
   
   u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
   Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and,
   basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
   
   wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
   
   u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
   standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
   
   wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
   problem which is a little less expensive?"
   
   The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
   
   u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
   
   wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
   bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
   
   u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his
   rectum."
   
   wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
   want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
   
   u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
   
   Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
   shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
   the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
   look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
   him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
   the last time.
   
   She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
   goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
   out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
   to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
   herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
   hurts, doesn't it?"
   

Two mates are having a chat over a beer.
"Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?"
one bloke asks his friend.
"No way!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke,
"do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?"
"Fuck no!" his mate replies.
"Well," says the first bloke,
"what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?      

They drowned in Spring Training.