The company sergent is briefing the recruits:

"For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,
and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so you
know what that makes you..."

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." 
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" 
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." 
The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." 
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

One day Mongo is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing
him there, decides to investigate.
"Whatcha doin?" he asked. Mongo replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying 
him."
"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor. 
Mongo shot back, "That's because he's inside your fuckin' cat!' 

A girl goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out...I'm freakin' 
out...my pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.
She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there." 

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one 
of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. 
"She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs.

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's 
the floor he's getting off on."