The Wipe-Up

Find a friend who likes to show off or prove himself all the time, then 
tell them you have a test of speed and reaction for them and that you 
think you are faster. what you do is pour some water on a tile floor (a 
puddle about 10" wide works well), grab a fork and a towel and tell them 
you think you can wipe up the water before they poke you with the fork. 
Also tell them that you are really quick and to make it fair they need to 
sit on the floor near the puddle with their legs spread to the sides so 
the puddle is between their knees. Here is where the fun stuff comes in, 
tell them to go on three, then start counting (all the while you are 
holding the towel) one - two - th....grab their feet and drag their ass 
through it

Sent by Keith

Joseph Schwartz, a career criminal, was wanted for looting in
Israel's port city, Haifa.  On the A.P.B. Wanted poster, he was
described as the  son of an ex-nun from Spain and a German father. 
It went on to  include  the facts that he was a musician adept at
the piccolo and often  worked as  a farmhand.
 
In other words... he was a Haifa lootin', flutin' Teuton, son of a
nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe...

A Contender for the Darwin Awards 

(Courtesy of the Japan Times -April 16, 1997) 

"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping", a 
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this 
perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." 

He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak 
had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a 
standard bicycle pump," he explained, inserting the nozzle far up their 
rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This 
act is a sin against God." 

Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot 
pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to 
friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby 
gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he 
snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube 
deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died 
virtually instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought 
she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping. 

"We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities. "When 
that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly 
exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something." 

"Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan," the 
spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital concluded. "Inflate your 
tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt 
you."