A Redneck's Ode to Valentines Day!

Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '67 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.

Nymphomaniacal Alice 
               Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 
                    They found her vagina 
                    In North Carolina, 
               And her asshole in Buckingham Palace. 

There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
but now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide... he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms...

And then he stuffed the turkey.

Redneck family tree

     Many many years ago
     when I was twenty three,
     I got married to a widow
     who was pretty as could be.

     This widow had a grown-up daughter
     Who had hair of red.
     My father fell in love with her,
     And soon the two were wed.

     This made my dad my son-in-law
     And changed my very life.
     My daughter was my mother,
     For she was my father's wife.

     To complicate the matters worse,
     Although it brought me joy,
     I soon became the father
     Of a bouncing baby boy.

     My little baby then became
     A brother-in-law to dad.
     And so became my uncle,
     Though it made me very sad.

     For if he was my uncle,
     Then that also made him brother
     To the widow's grown-up daughter
     Who, of course, was my step-mother.

     Father's wife then had a son,
     Who kept them on the run.
     And he became my grandson,
     For he was my daughter's son.

     My wife is now my mother's mother
     And it makes me blue.
     Because, although she is my wife,
     She's my grandmother too.

     If my wife is my grandmother,
     Then I am her grandchild.
     And every time I think of it,
     It simply drives me wild.

     For now I have become
     The strangest case you ever saw.
     As the husband of my grandmother,
      I am my own grandpa!