Two guys were out hunting, but they weren't getting any ducks. 
"What do you think the problem is?" one man asked his companion. 
"I dunno," came the reply, "Maybe we aren't throwing the dog up high 
enough."

Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics? 
A: Because men keep telling them that this
|<---------------------->| 
is 12 inches. 

Moon Mission

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two  pigs and 
Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the 
first stage drops off.
Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear."
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon 
landing. Over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.
"Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the 
green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."
An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last 
stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.
"Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"
"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."
"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer
tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with "R.E. Danforth's
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"