A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
   "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
   that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
   look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
   The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
   and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
   pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
   The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
   it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
   all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
   a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
   octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
   you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
   bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
   look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
   comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
   and play that damn thing!
   The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
   to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!
   

If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes

                           How many can you solve? (Answers below)



1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified.  One member of the team precipitantly descended,
sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his
anatomical structure.  Subsequently, the second member of the team
performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken
by the first member.

2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one
researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable
to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber.  By reciprocal
arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands
under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of
the viands devoid of contents.

3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting
structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved
in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual
observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival.  Insertion into the
saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed
by removal of a drupe of genus prune.  Subsequently the subject made a
declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a
young male human.

4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity
were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an
agriculturalist's marital adjunct.  Said adjunct then performed triple
caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used
for the subdivision of edible tissue.

5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small
immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which
reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to
that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.
Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the
probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same
pathway.

6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was
questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used
for production of various types of flora. The tract components were
enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc
growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.


1.      Jack and Jill went up the hill
        To fetch a pail of water.
        Jack fell down and broke his crown,
        And Jill came tumbling after.

2.      Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
        His wife could eat no lean.
        And so.......(I don't remember the words)
        They ate the platter clean.

3.      Little Jack Horner
        Sat in the corner
        Eating his Christmas pie
        He stuck in his thumb
        And pulled out a plum
        And said "What a good boy am I!"

4.      Three blind mice, three blind mice
        See how they run, see how they run.
        They all ran after the farmer's wife
        Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
        Did you ever see such a sight in your life
        As three blind mice.

5.      Mary had a Little Lamb
        Whose fleece was white as snow.
        And everywhere that Mary went,
        The lamb was sure to go.

6.      Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
        How does your garden grow.
        With silver bells, and cockle shells
        And pretty maidens, all in a row.

   
   This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny
   wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is
   being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little
   closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the
   dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly.
   Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there,
   but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's
   neck."
   "Yeah," the kid replied."But I wouldn't have a siren."

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if
he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so
he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to
sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you
$50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer
doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar
bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer
politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer
$5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Rabbit's Ph.D. Thesis:

                                A Parable for Graduate Students



Scene: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside
his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit: "My thesis."

Fox: "Hmmm. What's it about?"

Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."

Rabbit: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the
rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you're writing?"

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)

Wolf: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Scene: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox 
bones.  In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the 
room, a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

   (The End)

 Moral:
    It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
    It doesn't matter what you use for data.
    What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.