Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach.

One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!" 

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer? 

Hey! There's some things even a blonde won't do. 

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and 
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a 
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the 
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I 
wish you could talk." 
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and 
down. 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it 
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his 
mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes." 
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking 
and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a 
number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they 
are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to 
undress. 

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and 
says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She 
begins to drool. 

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and 
says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 
1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this 
point. 

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she 
grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. 

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are 
you in such a hurry to go?" 

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short 
fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this
   party they were at
   the night before. 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got
   home and blew chunks.
   2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was
   pulled over and given
   a DUI! 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I
   picked up a
   prostitute and my wife caught us in bed! 1st guy: No, no.. you guys
   don't understand!
   Chunks is my dog.