This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a
   problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know
   how to say one thing."
   
   "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to
   have some fun?' "
   
   "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to
   your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house
   and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to
   pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
   saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to
   praise and worship."
   
   "Thank you!" the woman responded.
   
   So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
   house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
   praying in their cage.
   
   The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the
   female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
   fun?"
   
   One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put
   the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
   

   An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing
   hand, and one
   missing eye goes into a bar.
   The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What
   happened to your
   leg?"
   "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull
   me aboard, a shark
   bit it off."
   "Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"
   "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the
   attackees chopped it off
   with a saber."
   "Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"
   "Seagull droppings," says the Captain.
   "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put
   your eye out."
   "Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."
   

    Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old
   woman and a single 40-year-old man? A: The 40-year-old woman thinks
   often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. 
When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as 
a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his 
new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I 
wonder how the girls are doing?" 

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.
When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be 
upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."