A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a 
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as 
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed 
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and 
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I 
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of 
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did 
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated 
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: 
"Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown 
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, 
but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

   A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.
   
   He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the
   knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor.
   He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.
   
   The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"
   
   "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And
   he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.
   
   The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about?
   This is a marshmellow!"
   
   "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in
   here!"
   

   Tell ya what though, I don't have it nearly as rough as one of my
   neighbors. When he attends a wife swapping party, he has to throw in
   the maid, and a mistress to be named later.

The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacher
to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the
church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet
for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the
congregation jumped up and ran out the door. 

The two men took off their masks, sat in the front row
and said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All the
hyprocrites are gone."