Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man 
or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then 
interrupts: 
"Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little 
finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, 
your finger or your ear?" 

Why did god invent alcohol? 

     - So fat women can get laid too. 

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!!

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." 

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The 
neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went 
"ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK 
OFF!", the dog ate him!"