A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his
 doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds.  Next thing he sees is an
 advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.  Guaranteed like
 heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do.
 He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight
 loss program.
 The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,
 there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe
 dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her
 neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss
 company.  The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well,
 without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't).
 A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has
 his way with her.  After they are through he kisses the girl one last
 time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company
 does business.
 For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing
 happens each time.  On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure
 enough, he has lost 10 pounds.  Deciding that he likes his somewhat
 more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he
 calls the company back  and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight
 loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems
 like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might
 be like this time.
 As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he
 answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but
 a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply
 stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.  She introduces
 herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign
 reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He's out the door like a
 shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch
 her.  But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.  She is
 wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to
 the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up
 and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.  On the
 sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20
 pounds.  I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew
 losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.
 Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and
 subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are
 you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most
 rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven't
 felt  this good in years!  The next day there comes a knock at his
 door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200
 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes
 and a sign around his neck.  He introduces himself as a representative
 of the weight loss company.
 The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when 
all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me 
beck the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over 
again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da 
party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove 
it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, 
strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your 
telephone out."

He says, "Vy?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. 
But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the 
telephone here."

He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes 
to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, 
Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I 
told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey're bringin' it to ya!"

A man eating at restaurant says to his waiter, 
'waiter, there's a fly in my soup!' 
The waiter replies, 'That, sir, is entirely 
possible, you see our cook used to be a tailor.'

The Perfect Day - Her

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms 

The Perfect Day - Him

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 Blowjob.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 Blowjob.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
         (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
         Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
         Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
         and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
         graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
         Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
         (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
          and leave.
    Midnight Blowjob
    Sleep 

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour
waiting for a two minute ride!!