A mother in Pittsburgh tells of having dinner with her little son and
daughter.  It had been a long, trying day at home, and her husband was
still at the office.  Both children were fussy and didn't want to eat,
and her patience had reached it's limit.  She looked up and sighed, "Oh,
God, help me with these children."  Immediately her four-year-old
daughter bowed her head and was silent.  The mother was delighted,
thinking the girl was asking God to help her be good.  But then the girl
looked up at her and said, "I just asked Him not to help you."

from "Faith, Hope and Hilarity:  The Child's Eye View
of Religion" by Dick Van Dyke

Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging 
by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness 
to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a 
neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized 
the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms 
laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the 
backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart 
attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife 
were reconciled.

Klatt was telling me about growing up in NYC, working at a 
local fruitstand.  An elderly woman came up to the stand 
asking if we had any "dates".  My friend and working partner
told her that we didn't have any "dates".  She then asked if we
had "nuts".  My friend said, "Ma'am, if we had 'nuts' then we've
have 'dates'."