Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place.
We asked how they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die." 

A week after high school I was shipped off to a military college with a no 
contact with home policy. Not a good idea, but my idea. I returned home at 
the end of the quarter to find my mother, father, and the home I grew up 
in were gone. She thought the vacant lot was a great joke. It was. But if 
I ever talk to a therapist, I'm going to mention this.

Jack Benny swears that one evening when he was invited to play for the 
President, a guard stopped outside the White House gate and asked, 
"Whatcha got in that case, Mr. Benny?"

Benny answered solemnly, "A machine gun."

With equal solemnity, the guard nodded. "Enter, friend. I was afraid for a 
minute it was your violin!"