God, I was  wondering...how long is a  million years to you?"
God answered, "Son,  a million years to me is like a second to you."
So the man asks, "God  how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God  answered, "Son a  million dollars to me is like one penny to 
you."
So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"
And God  answers, "Just a  second son."

An old man and woman were married for years even though 
they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, 
screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A 
constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the 
man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the 
grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible 
for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He 
was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral 
had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to 
the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. 

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her 
neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are 
you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who 
practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig 
his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for 
the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. 
I had him buried upside down."

A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.
He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got 
your bloody ball!"

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to
   buy a chain saw ?
   He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
   He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later
   complaining that it only
   cut one tree and that took all day.
   The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the
   problem was.
   The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?
   

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was 
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of 
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the 
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood 
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good 
morning son." 

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his 
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the 
service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together 
staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked 
quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"