A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor
   invites her in to sit down.
   
   "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious
   problems."
   
   "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my
   child and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
   
   "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
   
   "And it hasn't got any arms either."
   
   "What?"
   
   "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In
   fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
   
   "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.
   I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."
   
   "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."
   

Department of the Treasury
   Internal Revenue Service
   Washington, D.C.
   To: All Male Taxpayers
   RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
   Form 1040 - P
   The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
   due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
   around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
   it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
   On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
   Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according
   to size. To determine your category, please consult
   the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
   3, on the Standard Form 1040.
   10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
   8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
   5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
   4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00
   Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please
   do not ask for an extension!!!!!!
   Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.
   Sincerely,
   Peter Checker
   Internal Revenue Service

Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent
   his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason
   for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should
   ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to
   repossess me."

It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed
to confess, so he went to his Priest. 
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in 
my attic." 
"Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin." 
"But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed." 
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." 
"Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more 
question." 
"What is it son." 
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch
when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last
requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)
could you please do something to scare me?"