A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to 
call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before 
the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a 
very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is 
the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."

On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy due
to motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find it
locked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to
fight off the nausea.  Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right
and threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was therefore
unaware of what had happened.
When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.
Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. 
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully 
and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing 
what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, 
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male 
parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes 
one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she 
caught you at it, too."

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about
to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and
bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast
beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals
on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded
because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her a
sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the
color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair
of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. Then when
she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use any more?" 

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii.
As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said,
"Look at the legs among that group."

"Sorry old chap." replied the second doctor. "But I'm a
chest man myself."