Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

A tipsy guy in a bar stood and made the following speech, "I am white from 
head to toe. I am rich and I am handsome. My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N." 
Thoroughly annoyed, Sam retorted, "My name is Sam and I am white from head 
to toe. Except my asshole. Which is brown. B-R-O-W-N."

Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these 
lines to practice:

"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think 
I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every 
time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:

"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think 
I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit... 
Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"

A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home,
"Please send me some food. All they serve here are meals."

Did you know that once you get married,
           you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?
                                      
   First, there's House Sex:
          That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on
          the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much
          like two crazed rabbits.
          
   Then comes Bedroom Sex:
          That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the
          curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you
          make love in the bedroom.
          
   Last comes Hall Sex:
          That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw
          You !"