The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the 
bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at 
the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's 
been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not 
worth so much celebrating!"

Q: Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

What's the difference between mayonaise and sperm?
Mayonaise doesn't hit the back of a girls throat at 40 mph.

*ring* *ring*
"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered
huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until
morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

Q:   What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
    A1:   You need a quarter to use the phone.
    A2:   Only one person can use the phone at once.