How to write a paper



1.  Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty
    of freshly sharpened pencils.

2.  Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3.  Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
    concentrate.

4.  Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend
    from class.  If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can
    both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate.  If
    your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one
    of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5.  When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in
    a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6.  Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand
    it.

7.  You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
    grade.  You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so
    you can concentrate.

8.  Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9.  Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's
    over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to your other favourite cd.

11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet.
    Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the
    university, the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place
    with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
    savorits special flavor.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something
    truly worthwhile on TV.  NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than
    12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of
    the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's
    Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss
    the finer points of the plot.

18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home.  Ask who
    everyone is.

20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-
    coated strangers lurking in the hall.

22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place
    with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.

24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

26. Leap up and write the paper.

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used
alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my
penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."

Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told
to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are
under their wives control and they other for those that control
their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are
nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his
independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!" 

A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself." 

    The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the
   rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why
   was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in
   England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why
   did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
   lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad
   tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that
   gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same
   jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that
   wheel spacing. Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if
   they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on the old
   long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
   So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
   Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions.
   The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts,
   which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons,
   were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made
   for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel
   spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The
   United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives
   from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war
   chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you
   are handed a specification and wonder what horse's behind came up with
   it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were
   made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two
   warhorses.