You Can Never Really Go Back
   There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
   sitting at the
   breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
   "Just think, honey,
   we've been married for 50 years."
   "Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
   here at this breakfast
   table together."
   "Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
   jaybirds fifty years
   ago this morning."
   "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
   two stripped
   to the buff and sat down at the table.
   "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
   nipples are as hot for you
   now as they were fifty years ago."
   "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
   the other one's in
   you oatmeal!"
   

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging 
that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a 
special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After 
several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. 
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a 
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to 
wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you 
got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the 
handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. 
Get in."

A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely 
active sex life.  He said He had a wife, several mistresses, 
masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time.  

The doctor asked which he liked best.

He Replied, " Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of 
people in them."

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
 $5,000 and  feels really great about the result. On his way home
 he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to
 the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
 think I am?"  "About 35," was the reply.

 "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

 After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
 taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

 "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.

 While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
 question.  She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
 going. But when I  was young there was a sure way of telling a
 mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes
 I will be able to tell your exact age."

 As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let
 her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
 says,  "OK, it's done. You are 47."

 Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

 The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds."

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step in the showers before they
realize there is no soap. Father John says he has
some soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in
his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets
halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns
heading his way. Having no place to hide, he
stands against the wall and freezes like he's a
statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his
dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."
To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and
sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The
third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and
three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries
once more and to her delight she yells...
"Look, hand cream!"