After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.
So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.
The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take
this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."
So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little
bottle. It was empty.
   The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, " Problems?" he said.
    "Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. " I went home and
straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I
tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife
upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't
do it. "
    "So what did you do?" said the doctor.
    " We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure
she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc,
she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!!"
  "But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"

   A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
   a little frisky,
   reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and
   says,"Mother, if this could give
   milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her
   crotch, and he says,
   "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
   His wife then reaches
   over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could
   get rid of your brother.
   

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and
says he'll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking old
broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".
She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't due
for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he
says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have
offered you $20.00!" 
She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I would
have taken off my pantyhose!" 

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
"I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."