A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her 
senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious 
problems." 
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my 
child and I'll love it regardless." 
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." 
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." 
"And it hasn't got any arms either." 
"What?" 
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, 
your child is only a very, very big ear." 
The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her 
son.
"Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?"
"There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."

    "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you
   want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." - Ed Bluestone "Have
   you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
   anyone going faster than you is a moron." - George Carlin "You have to
   stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
   when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she
   is." - Ellen DeGeneris "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.
   Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it
   on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." -
   Billiam Coronel "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze
   pilots wore helmets." - Dave Edison "Did you ever notice when you blow
   in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he
   sticks his head out the window." - Steve Bluestone "I think men who
   have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
   experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

   At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England
   stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more
   assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and
   told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would
   have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
   second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
   cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
   
   The crowd cheered.
   
   The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
   conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
   his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
   day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
   third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my
   washing as well."
   
   The crowd cheered.
   
   The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
   conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
   his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
   day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
   third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
   

Four Mexicans were in an open truck that had run into the lake.The two
in the front seat escaped unharmed, but the two in the back bed drowned -
they couldn't get the tailgate open!

What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? 

     A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.