Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya 
going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no 
dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

What was the First Commandment?

"Adam, eat my pussy." 

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a
light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that
they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER
THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE
12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down 
at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.   The waitress, who is 
very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous 
customers having lunch at the diner.   The man, who uses both 
creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty.  
As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar 
for his coffee.  The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being 
before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders.   As she passes the 
cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down 
and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both 
her hands are full.   After she has served the two plates she was holding, 
she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you 
want in your coffee?" 

The man says, "Two's fine." 

She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them 
into his cup.  "And cream?" she asks. 

The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, 
"You wouldn't dare!"

Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?

A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie.