The funniest thing I ever did was when I was borrowing my Dads car and I 
had to get gas. My Dad had a bad accident a few years back and he had both
ankles surgically redone. So his car has handicap plates and I guess they
have some rule that you have to give them full service at self serve 
pumps.
The attendent came out and I waved him off without looking up from the
nozzle. He tried to figure out why I had handicap plates so I thought it 
was a good time for a trick.
I went to give him the money and I kept on bumping into things like the 
pump and when I went to give him the money I felt each individual bill and 
did the same when he gave me change. The whole time I spoke to him I 
staired into space( btw I was wearing dark sunglasses) . I walked out of 
the station running into everything and bumping my head when I got into my 
car.
The attendent asked me, "How do you drive."
I replied with, "What do you mean?"
He answered with, "Are'nt you partially blind?"
I ended with "No I am completely blind, I am driving a specially equiped 
car."
I then sped away driving over the curb. In the rear view mirror I saw a 
station attendent with his jaw on the floor.

I've just got some awful news.

A friend of mine is in danger of losing his license
to practice medicine. He's being accused of having
sex with some of his patients.

It's such a stupid waste! He was the best veterinarian in town. 

An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked
by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge,
he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.