A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving 
himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in.  The boy, 
seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the 
Army.  The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna 
wear my hat?"  The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head.  
As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door 
slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in.  
He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down 
his chest.  The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are 
you a Marine?"  The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and 
responded, "That's right!  Why?  Do wanna suck me off?"  The 
boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the Army!!  I'm just 
wearing his hat!!"

Sent by Brian

Q: What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 14 inch 
dick?
A: Nothing. They all make woman's eyes water.

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney
and a  farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston,
Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had
 never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
 seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse,
who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my
dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt,
I just  thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words
to say  I've never felt better in my life.

   A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting
   to cross the street,
   when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice
   herringbone tweed
   trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and
   retrieves a doggie biscuit
   which he starts to offer to Fido.
   A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this
   happening and
   interrupts, "Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your
   dog just pissed all
   down the leg of your pants?"
   "Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit", replies the
   blind man.
   "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not
   going to teach him
   much by rewarding him with a biscuit!"
   To which the blind fellow chuckles, "Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm
   just trying to find his
   head so I can kick his ass!"
   

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them 
picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's 
balls"

"Are they that big?" asked the other.

"No they're this dirty."