Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was 
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened 
to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to 
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he 
went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the 
morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to 
work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you 
yesterday?"

   Cold Hands

   There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she
   say's "my hands are
   really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them
   between your legs,
   that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The
   next day the girl is
   riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
   cold, so the girl say's,
   "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and
   his hands get
   warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
   The day after that
   he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between
   my legs and warm it
   up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she
   asks, "Mom have you
   ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She
   says I don't know
   what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
   

Q:What's another term for lesbian?
A:Vagitarian.

Q: Why are brides dressed in white?
A: So they match the rest of the appliances.

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came 
to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful 
Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way 
home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they 
each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the 
registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?" 
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or 
so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".