Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each 
other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to 
date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., 
and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, "It's OK. We get it 
on every week or so, but it's no big adventure; how's yours?" Sally 
replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. 
"Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!" 
Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach.

One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!" 

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near
the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters
could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus
Do", and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damn
sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

    A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
   for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
   think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question,
   but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
   your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi,
   told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of
   the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman,
   about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding
   night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
   your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
   advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to
   your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my
   problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get
   screwed."

What is the proper weight for an attorney?

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!