This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a
   coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her
   wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her
   and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my
   God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.
   
   She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It
   figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices
   is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner
   jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with
   his drink.
   
   "What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and
   almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come
   in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in
   public!!!!??"
   
   "Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to
   catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"
   

The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and 
their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name 
is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents. 

The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered 
her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his 
enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

Love Jesus

                                  by Dennis DiPasquale



                       The other day I went to the local religious book store,
                where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it
                 and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I
                did. What an uplifting experience followed.  I was stopped at the
                  light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
                 Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
                  sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
                Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY
                 love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and
                   yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a
                    football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!"
                Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and
                 waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have
                   been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
                 yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a
                   funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

                     I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed,
                    looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the
                Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him
                 the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black
                man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear
                    him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or
                 "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must
                really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in
                 the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were
                  walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
                noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a
                good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
                intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way
                 out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian
                    good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
                                        wonderful folks.

Why do doctors slap babies when they are born? 

     To knock the penises off the smart ones. 

A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their 
hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says,
"Can I help? Have you lost something?"
"No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on
an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."