A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
 contractions are only two minutes apart!"  "Is this her first child?" the
 emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
 husband!"

Why wasn't Jesus born in West Virginia?

Well God found plenty of guys who liked 
to deal with sheep, but he could'nt 
find three wise men or a virgin.

Sent by Johnny

The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't 
be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and 
theft."
Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the 
house is robbed while it's burning down. 

Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said,
"You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!"
The second girl asked, "What's a patio?" 

    The Reverend

   Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
   exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
   had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was
   feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon
   as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of
   town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he
   wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
   Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday
   morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint
   Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and
   exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
   The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton
   hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
   of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN
   ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why
   did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going
   to tell?"