Q. Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?

A. She got her finger caught in a dike!

Father Goose Story No. 2



        When the powerful king found his throne missing the next
day, he  ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force
him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as
follows:

king:   Where is the throne?
count:  I cannot tell you.
king:   Then I will have you killed!  Executioner, cut off his
        head!
count:  (as the axe is swinging down...)
        Ok!  I will tell you!
                        THWACK!!!

Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were 
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was 
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the 
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his 
wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first 
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand." 

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that
   as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the
   house.
   
   Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?" 
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." 
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." 
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave. 
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"