A renowned archaeologist Vern,
Who unearthed an Egyptian clay urn,
Found himself devastated
When the markings, translated,
Clearly read, "No Refill/No Return." 

The Night Before Christmas



Twas the night before Christmas, 
And all through the house, 
Everybody felt shitty, 
Even the mouse.

With mom at the whore house
And Dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down 
For a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn 
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece
To see what was the matter.

Then out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
And I knew in a moment
That it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney 
Like a bat out of hell,
And I knew right away
That the fucker had fell.

He filled all our stockings 
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick
For my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney
With a thunderous fart; 
The damn son of a bitch
Blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed,
As he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all,
And have a hell of a night!"

There once was a senator from Mass
Who drove home a most attractive lass!
Although he found her
He messed up and drowned her
And his chances for President did pass.

Part 2 of 3
Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
He'd been to a good public school,
So he took down their britches
And buggered those bitches
With his ten-inch episcopal tool.

                    A girl on a southern plantation
                            
                    Was the product of insemination.
                            So each fathers' day
                            She would send a bouquet
                            
                    To a syringe in a far away nation.