Answering Machine Recording:
"You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 
now.......Now press the other one." 

A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny, who  signed the

Declaration of Independence?"  He said, "Damn if I know."  She was a little

put out by his swearing, so she told him  to go home and to bring his

father with him when he came back. Next day, the father came with his son,

sat in the back of  the room to observe.  She started back in on her quiz

and finally got back to the boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who

signed the Declaration of Independence?" "Well, hell, teacher," Johnny

said, "I told you I didn't  know." The father jumped up in the back,

pointed a stern finger at  his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that

damn thing, hell, you damn well better admit it!"

Sent by Kelly

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone
spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled
figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages
and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning
on a crutch.

"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did
ye merely jump from the trestle?"

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of
it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy
himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,
and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself,
Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"

"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing
in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight." 

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the
men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair
isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black." 

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's
fingers. 

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded. She smiled sweetly
and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And
they've only been banged once." 

   A wish for Christmas

   It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
   mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
   his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
   dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
   lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
   christmas". "I bet
   you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
   with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
   responds"Nope".
   So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
   touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
   boy again said"Nope".
   Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
   himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
   bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
   the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
   the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
   Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little
   boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"?
   The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
   P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any
   because I can smell it on your finger"!