Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest informs her that she 
cannot enter without it. 
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to
her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to
enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." 
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must 
wear a blouse to enter *this* church!" he insists.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
   comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms
   or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises
   him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
   After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
   him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad
   orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar
   patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in
   disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso
   pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The
   father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
   The patrons chant "take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his
   head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The
   father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
   chant "take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
   By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches
   down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs
   pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up
   on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right....
   right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into
   him and kills him.
   The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans
   his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
   bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
   The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be 
judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he 
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and 
God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the 
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 
pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and 
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an 
eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, 
pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. 
Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. 
When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, 
and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and 
scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more 
then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding 
and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, 
they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking 
along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could 
have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this 
man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / 
centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and 
in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with 
this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these 
god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. 
This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm 
dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope 
for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem 
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and 
murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing
a young girl as she walked by the construction site.
She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.
Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"
The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when
even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?" 

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and 
son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the 
car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled.
"What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered,
"Your mother wants to eat first!"