Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation.  One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I
have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence.  The Minister continued,
"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of
the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.'  This, of course, is not true!  I am
asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right  here
- before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be.  I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls a
beat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist how
much it would cost to repair the condom.
  The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spot
welding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, he
could sell the private a new one.
  The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back in
two hours with an answer."
  Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:
"The regiment has voted to replace."

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and
   bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
   Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
   day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
   wish?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint
   grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
   the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
   with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
   with Clint.
   The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can
   only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your
   wish today?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
   horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
   horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
   comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee
   with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical
   white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
   The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
   man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The
   Indians bring him his horse.
   Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
   my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza? 

    A pizza can feed a family of four. 

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the
pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a
female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?